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Renee has spent a lot of time talking to family, and family friends, about what’s happening. it’s her way of dealing with it, I suppose. Me? I just sort of type it out here, and see what happens.

Today, I told Ray. Telling a three-and-one-half-year-old about death is not an easy thing, especially since you can expect all sorts of interesting questions.

“Ray, Uncle George died yesterday.”
*silence*
*thinking*
*silence*
“Why?”
(Now, at this point, I went with the most direct, honest, and truthful answer I could come up with. As much as it pained me)
“I don’t know.”
*silence*
*thinking*
*silence*
“Daddy? Let’s do this puzzle.”

What I wouldn’t give to have the attention span and simplified world view of a three-year-old some days.

There will be questions, I’m sure. Eventually. I really don’t want to get into the circumstances, or have to explain what “suicide” is to a three year old, so we’ll gloss over that bit, right? And I expect there will be extra explanations later, when we have to remind him that his cousins don’t have a daddy any more. We’ll save why for later.

Much, much, later.

I swear by all I know to be holy, I’ll never willingly leave my family that way – with unanswered questions and a dull ache for what should have been for the rest of their lives. Never.

And just touching on the barest slip of what that would feel like…is a grief and sadness and anger so deep I cannot comprehend it. I don’t know if there’s an empath locked up inside me, or what. But what I do know, is that what I can feel for them is the barest shadow of what they will feel when the full realization sets in. Like in about 10 or 15 years. And that’s just not fair. Not to them. Not to their mother, not to us.

I feel old, and tired, and weary. I will sleep now, and see if morning brings anything new.

About Kevin Sonney

Kevin Sonney - who, contrary to popular opinion was NOT raised by wolves - grew up in central North Carolina. He fell into the technology field by accident in 1991, when he gave up the wild and crazy lifestyle of an on-air AM radio DJ to become a mundane technical support monkey. The technology industry has never really recovered from this. Kevin has worked for such names as IBM, Red Hat, webslingerZ, and Lulu Technologies (we won't mention the ones that didn't survive the experience). He currently works as a Linux Administrator for Apptio. In his spare time he rescues stray animals and plays video games with his two sons. His wife, we're sad to say, helps him get past the really hard bits. Kevin is still not very mundane, he just got better at hiding it.
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