Most of my insecurity from July has waned. And the three changes I foresaw?
Change number one – the job. With my exit from wZ, and the challenge of Red Hat, I’ve had little time to do more than re-align my thinking and get my life together, as it were. Work I think about work. Home I think about home. in between, my mind thinks about one or the other.
Change number two – Damian. I think his decline has affected me more than I had thought. it’s as if a part of my life was dieing with him. Perhaps it was. I miss that cat terribly, mostly late in the evenings when I’m watching TV by myself and Renee is still in chat.
Change number three – Family. This is the one left unresolved. I had promised to keep this kind of stuff down to a minimum, so :
My angst-y posts, my fears of the last few months – while it is lessened, she has done very little to re-assure me. I have decided to love her as much as I can now, because tomorrow she may be gone. When i explain this to her, she has no response. No re-assurance that she won’t be gone tomorrow. When I express my fear that the marriage isn’t going to last – nothing.
My fear is that this change has happened, or the decision that will make this change has happened, and I’m not privy to it. While I can recover financially, while I can deal with it if she would just tell me she’s leaving – the waiting in the mean time will eventually get to me.
I can’t ask point blank – aside from the fact that she’ll get pissed and defensive, the only answers she can give that will feel right to me is a “yes” or a “no” – although a “probably not” or “I don’t know” will most likely be interpreted as “things are going to end soon”.
All I know is that there is no promise right now of “’till death do us part” – the only promise is that I will love her while i can, and miss her if she’s gone. And get on with life.
So now I wait for the third change. I wait for the third ending, which is always a beginning of some sort. Maybe I was wrong, and the third ending won’t be related to my family, my marriage. But if things come in threes, the timing of the first two would indicate that the third either has already happened, or has already resolved itself, and I just don’t know the answer.