What three things? (Re-edited for grammar and some clairty)

Most of my insecurity from July has waned. And the three changes I foresaw?

Change number one – the job. With my exit from wZ, and the challenge of Red Hat, I’ve had little time to do more than re-align my thinking and get my life together, as it were. Work I think about work. Home I think about home. in between, my mind thinks about one or the other.

Change number two – Damian. I think his decline has affected me more than I had thought. it’s as if a part of my life was dieing with him. Perhaps it was. I miss that cat terribly, mostly late in the evenings when I’m watching TV by myself and Renee is still in chat.

Change number three – Family. This is the one left unresolved. I had promised to keep this kind of stuff down to a minimum, so :
My angst-y posts, my fears of the last few months – while it is lessened, she has done very little to re-assure me. I have decided to love her as much as I can now, because tomorrow she may be gone. When i explain this to her, she has no response. No re-assurance that she won’t be gone tomorrow. When I express my fear that the marriage isn’t going to last – nothing.

My fear is that this change has happened, or the decision that will make this change has happened, and I’m not privy to it. While I can recover financially, while I can deal with it if she would just tell me she’s leaving – the waiting in the mean time will eventually get to me.

I can’t ask point blank – aside from the fact that she’ll get pissed and defensive, the only answers she can give that will feel right to me is a “yes” or a “no” – although a “probably not” or “I don’t know” will most likely be interpreted as “things are going to end soon”.

All I know is that there is no promise right now of “’till death do us part” – the only promise is that I will love her while i can, and miss her if she’s gone. And get on with life.

So now I wait for the third change. I wait for the third ending, which is always a beginning of some sort. Maybe I was wrong, and the third ending won’t be related to my family, my marriage. But if things come in threes, the timing of the first two would indicate that the third either has already happened, or has already resolved itself, and I just don’t know the answer.

yet.

About Kevin Sonney

Kevin Sonney - who, contrary to popular opinion was NOT raised by wolves - grew up in central North Carolina. He fell into the technology field by accident in 1991, when he gave up the wild and crazy lifestyle of an on-air AM radio DJ to become a mundane technical support monkey. The technology industry has never really recovered from this. Kevin has worked for such names as IBM, Red Hat, webslingerZ, and Lulu Technologies (we won't mention the ones that didn't survive the experience). He currently works as a Linux Administrator for Apptio. In his spare time he rescues stray animals and plays video games with his two sons. His wife, we're sad to say, helps him get past the really hard bits. Kevin is still not very mundane, he just got better at hiding it.
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4 Responses to What three things? (Re-edited for grammar and some clairty)

  1. ryeth says:

    I am so very glad that a few things have settled for you. Changes can be tough and loosing a pet is terrible… but once you can look up from it all you will probably be in a better position to work on the other things going on in your life. *Hugs*

  2. alchemist says:

    The frustrating part is I have *NO* controll, None. If I could resolve things today, I would, but I can’t – all I can do is make it worse….

  3. ex_redsonja442 says:

    I thought she was only acting like that because of financial pressures? And you just got hired by Red Hat!

    I mean first she has a baby with you then shortly thereafter decides maybe she doesn’t want to be married any more? There are so many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to begin. Yes, I am a divorced person, what happened was for seven years I got treated like I didn’t matter or even exist, and I tried to work it out with him and see if he wanted to get counseling and he didn’t want to bother with any of it, he just didn’t give a shit so finally I said fuck this and I left.

    Right now Keith and I have a job and finances dilemma going on. He could get a lucrative job but we would have to cancel our current plans, and he would be travelling all the time and barely ever home. It would suck but it would get him through the recession in good stead. However right now he’s working at a horrible gas station and my savings are rapidly dwindling. My income is nowhere near maintenance level. Every time I turn around I get socked with another non-optional expense (car insurance for example). So after not too long we could be forced to move in with my parents. Maybe that would be worse than the travelling job. They live in AL! The other job would be in CHarlotte. we’ve tried to discuss it but we always come to an impasse due to the lack of a crystal ball to see what the future would hold if he didn’t take that job. Would we end up in AL, or would we get by here somehow? Who knows? If he took the travelling job would it kill our relationship because i would be isolated all the time in a city I barely know how to find my way in? I could work at Measurement Inc there, that part’s not an issue. But…anyway. It is his choice and not mine where he will work, still he wanted my input so I told him what I thought were the pros and cons. I don’t think he has any idea what to do. I just reminded him to think what would be worse, taking that job or possibly moving in with my parents. It’s a gamble.

    Why must life always suck so hard????

  4. alchemist says:

    I wrote a big assed reply, it was too big, so I’m making an entry out of it. go read that, and then tell me what you think….

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