So Renee comes to bed around 12:30, after I’ve been out for about half an hour, and wonders if I’m interested in a quick one. Now, normally, I’d say yes, just because you’re not supposed to say no to those sorts of things, and given the recent frequency, that could be it until next month. But I didn’t. I had to stop and think, which she said means no. And then I explained that I really hadn’t been interested in about 4-5 days, and that I was on the depression borderline.. .
Why? I’ve got the job I want and love, and while money is tight it’s not too bad…and, hell, I love her more than life, but it’s sure as shit no very easy to feel loved when she’s waking up, turning on the computer, starting her game, and basically ignoring me and the kids until bedtime. I figure she clocked 12 hours/day in game Saturday, Monday and Friday, and at least 8/day on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday – with breaks for food bathroom, and little bits here and there to play with the kids for 15-min stretches. And that was this week. So add into the usual “Kevin’s doing the housework” angst the feeling that, for the past 2-3 weeks, he’s being ignored. While she’s saying she loves me in very high frequency, it’s not like she’s been “here” to actually show it.
I did *NOT* bring the kids into it, since I’ll get over it, but they really are the ones getting hurt by her obsession. nor did I mention my strong urge to do things I normally avoid.
(Side note: I do *NOT* indulge in substance abuse as a form of escape from life’s problems – and I’ve been considering just that : get up, go to work, come home, put the kids to bed, do the household stuff that didn’t get done while I was at work, drink (or whatever) until I’m too tired/fucked up to care, get up the next morning and do it all over again. For someone with an addictive personality like me, that’s asking for trouble. And, for the record, I’m not saying substance abuse in general is a bad thing, but like all things, it’s the reason why we do it that determines good and bad.)
She, to her credit, admitted that she had become a bit obsessed. OK, a lot obsessed. And that we get this way – although I did point out that in the past we’ve also done better about keeping it under control, and not affected the kids or each other with it.
So I told her we’ll see. I mean, it’s one thing for her to say she’s sorry – like I did this past spring, when I was more interested in everything except the mess at home and work – and to actually do something about it, which is what I’ve spent all the time trying to do. And I hope like hell this isn’t like the times I’ve blown gaskets over the housework – that is, it gets done for a week, and then slacks back off to the point where I’m ready to blow up again.
I think she’s the one that said nothing was gonna change when I blew up at her last month. I still hope she’s wrong. but at this point, knowing and loving her as much as I do, I don’t really expect it to. Which just adds to the not-too-happy feelings, y’know? Lower your expectations, and you can be happy when you’re wrong. And since this summer, mine keep getting lower and lower….