And one of the reasons the dishes weren’t done is because hey, the floor needed mopping, so that came first, and when she was done with that, jacob was ready for bed.
The floor could have waited, since the sinks were literally overflowing with dishes, you know.
I really, really love her, but she’s become more and more selfish of late. Doesn’t think about anything but herself and what she wants done. it’s the little things – not putting things back into the fridge, not cleaning up her dishes, playing the game at some expense to me and the kids.
If today weren’t Ray’s birthday, I’d have called her on it. I’ve been putting it off until after the birthday. Once again, my patience is running out, and once again, I expect I’ll blow up, it’ll be better for a week or less, and then back to same-old, same-old.
On Wednesday at lunch we talked about our priorities. Lori pushed me hard, and it dawned on me that the kids are first, even at Renee’s expense. That, quite honestly, I’d rather loose her than them. And that’s one of the factors in not pushing her harder – fear of loosing my boys.
But to be honest, some days I’d rather take it up the ass in divorce court than listen to her alternately yell at the kids/dog and then giggle happily at something in AIM.
Doesn’t she see I’m unhappy? I guess not. She’s happy, when she’s in there, and not only am I jealous, I’m becoming resentful. She has time for them, but not me. She has time for them, but not the housework. She gets pissy and bitchy and hard to deal with without her online time daily.
I need help. She needs help. the kids need us both.
Maybe one day I’ll develop the balls to do more than bitch. I hate myself because I *ALWAYS* say that people need to get off their asses and do something other than bitching and wining and waiting for something to change even when it’s obvious that it’s not gonna change without them doing something.
I hear people saying all the time “I’ve been praying for [thing], but it’ll never happen.” – where [thing] is a new job, a better neighborhood, more money, so and so to do what’s right – something. And what it really takes is getting off your ass, and working hard for it. And I think about how I’ll not be like that. And here I am bitching and wining when what I need to do is get off my ass and do something about it.
Time to start working hard for what I want. And accepting that what is about to happen is lots and lots of pain. and that it may mean the end of things as they are. But it has to be done. if not for me, for the kids.
And I’ve got to figure out a way to do it with the least amount of conflict. There will be conflict – I accept that. but doing it without being a bastard i the hard part.
Maybe I just need to be a bigger bastard and unplug her DSL, start charging her for it, and *NOT* letting her use “house funds” for her online time. Then again, if she already told Avon she wants to quit, that makes it harder – for her and for me.
Fuck. I need a therapist. Or something. LJ just isn’t enough of a vent anymore.