Wow, I’m tired

Surprisingly tired today, whjich is kinda odd since I actually went to bed before midnight. Probably has something to do with the weather and the dog getting me up at 5:30. C’est la vie.

It was nice to be able to spread out in bed a little last night. And a lot easier to fall asleep than I thought – then again, by 10:30 I was the only one awake in the house.

Today is the usual roller coaster of emotion thing. Fun for all. Started out OK, slid to depressed, sunk to lonely, and I’m working my way up from there.

Made the mistake of listening to my brother-in-law’s advice last night, which was “clean the house, get rid of the pets, fast, pray, and God will bring her back to you.” Gee, so I should devote myself to doing all the things she wants me to with no expectation of reciprocity, and then pray that she’ll decide I’m OK after all? Bullshit.

I hate to say it, but I hope they’re telling her to stop gaming, get councelling, stop fooling around, and get her head on right. Because that’s what it’ll take for me to take her back now. She’s made it clear that she has no intention of changing, and that it’s all on me.

It’s not like I’m not going to clean the house after she’s gone. I mean, WTF? Do they think I go around the house messing things up and leaving it for her to clean up? Or maybe it’s my fault that she can’t drag herself away from the computer long enough to pick up after herself – let alone the kids.

Yeah, I got news. I tried that. I picked up after her and the kids for a long time. Made sure after dinner was “clean up time.” Did the laundry. Took care of the animals. You know what I got? The back of her head playing Rag Online (then later WoW), which is what I got before and what I got after I gave up because I couldn’t keep up.

Change is a two way street. I’m going to change. And if she does, great. And if she doesn’t, fine. Long as it doesn’t hurt the kids.

OK, I just worked my way back up to angry and frustrated….

About Kevin Sonney

Kevin Sonney - who, contrary to popular opinion was NOT raised by wolves - grew up in central North Carolina. He fell into the technology field by accident in 1991, when he gave up the wild and crazy lifestyle of an on-air AM radio DJ to become a mundane technical support monkey. The technology industry has never really recovered from this. Kevin has worked for such names as IBM, Red Hat, webslingerZ, and Lulu Technologies (we won't mention the ones that didn't survive the experience). He currently works as a Linux Administrator for Apptio. In his spare time he rescues stray animals and plays video games with his two sons. His wife, we're sad to say, helps him get past the really hard bits. Kevin is still not very mundane, he just got better at hiding it.
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6 Responses to Wow, I’m tired

  1. dr_scholl says:

    This is a very interesting post to me, for many reasons. And I want to ask you some hard questions based on it… but I also don’t want to overwhelm you.

    It does sound like you’re starting to see this phase of your life as potentially a positive one. Change and growth can be very difficult and painful, but a lot of good can come out of that pain, too.

    Can you come over and be my husband for the day and clean for me? ;)

  2. alchemist says:

    Ask away – and feel free to divert to my private mail if it’s easier for you.

    And no, I won’t. I already clean up after enough people, thanks.

  3. dr_scholl says:

    I guess the questions I really want to ask are ones I’m sure you’ve already asked yourself. But here goes:

    Are you happy with her?

    Do you think you’ll be happier with or without her, in the long run?

    Why do you want to stay together? Is it just because of history and the kids? Or is it something more?

    Does she know what makes you unhappy about her? (Does she care? If not, does this tell you even more about her?)

    I guess that will do for now. You don’t have to answer any of these – they can be very personal questions. It always seemed to me that you’ve been a good and devoted husband who has tried to keep this together. It also appears to me now that those endeavors were one-sided. It really does take 2 to tango, and I get the impression you’ve been trying to tango alone.

  4. alchemist says:

    Are you happy with her?
    No, I’m not. We both feel that we have been dishonest with each other, and we both feel that we let each other down emotionally when we needed each other.

    Do you think you’ll be happier with or without her, in the long run?
    I don’t know. Right now, I’ll be happy as hell when she’s out of my house.

    Why do you want to stay together? Is it just because of history and the kids? Or is it something more?
    Because I love her. I really and honestly care for her in a way that I don’t care for anyone else. She’s inteligent, beautiful, witty, and can be a great friend.

    Does she know what makes you unhappy about her? (Does she care? If not, does this tell you even more about her?)
    She does, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I tell her what I feel the issues are, that I want to find middle ground. I keep getting the impression/message that until I change, she won’t, and since the changes I’m supposed to make (am supposed to have made) are in some secret code….well, here we are.

    Somewhere along the lines of : “because you didn’t do mundane task A when I asked you too means you aren’t there for me emotionally, so I’m going to withdraw from you emotionally and you have noone to blame but yourself. ANd the way to get it back is to do mundane task A, and mundane task B, and somewhere near mundane task G I’ll be able to trust that you’ve really changed and I can start changing.”

    It also appears to me now that those endeavors were one-sided. It really does take 2 to tango, and I get the impression you’ve been trying to tango alone.

    It feels one-sided, but since I can’t seem to figure out what her supposed “reaching out” to me was, I have to go with that theory. Aparently I’m supposed to sacrifice my happiness for her hapiness and comfort and *THAT* will allow me to be happily married to he. And even if we’re both miserable with each other, we should stick it out and sacrifice our happiness for the kids’ happiness and comfort.

  5. dr_scholl says:

    Because I love her. I really and honestly care for her in a way that I don’t care for anyone else. She’s inteligent, beautiful, witty, and can be a great friend.

    Which may address my other question, one many people don’t think about.

    Do you like her?

    Because it is possible to love someone and not like them.

    Also, there’s one thing that blares out at me in your answers:
    …and somewhere near mundane task G I’ll be able to trust that you’ve really changed and I can start changing.

    So trust is a big issue? Because that’s an important foundation. And you can do task x, y and z and until she’s ready to try to trust you, then it will never make a difference – which means she does have to start changing and trusting you in order for anything to work.

    Or at least that’s the way I see it.

    Of course, I’m just playing amature armchair shrink, but still its interesting to read (into?) your answers

  6. alchemist says:

    I don’t like her right now. And I think I’ve not liked her behavior for a while, since it mostly consisted of shutting me out.

    Aparently trust isd a big issue. I’m a great procrastinator. And things eventually get done. But give me a deadline, and I tend to stick to it – don’t give me a deadline and I usually miss. Not over important shit like “the kids need clothes” but shit like “the hole in the wall needs patched” or “The garage needs to be cleaned out”

    And then there’s the money. Oh the money. She doesn’t trust me with the money, since I let us get into debt. I lied about the money when I said we could do X and we didn’t have that exact amount fo cash in the bank to pay it off right now and instead used a credit card or something.

    See, I lied about our debt and shit I would do around the house. And didn’t recognize her emotional needs way back when, which is the REAL reason, I’m sure. So she decides to leave, and it’s my fault she is, and my fault she had to turn “outside the marrage” for support and love.

    This is what I have inferred from her family and her.

    So I’m the bad guy and I need to make myself worthy of her. Even though when I was unhappy I dove into scouts and church, it’s my fault she felt the need to do what she did. Which is a cop-out and bullshit, and means that even if I DO take her back, I have to continually prove myself to her.

    And I don’t like where that leads, y’know? While “the least among them shall be the greatest” acording to the Bible, service to others isn’t indentured servitude to your spouse just so they don’t forget their promises.

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