Black Holes and Black Moods

As pickup time got closer and closer, I found myself more and more depressed. For the first time, I admitted that I felt like a failure – failed as a husband, failed as a father, failed as a lover, failed as a friend, failed as a Scout Leader, failed as a christian…

you get the idea

On the drive into the EPA for job no. one tonight, I decided to write it out. It’s been YEARS (literally) since I took up pen and wrote for nothing more than the purpose of expressing myself to myself for myself.

So as part of the next week, as I seek to embrace my fears, my broken-ness, and my loneliness I will take up pen and see what comes. No laptop, no easy edits – just pen, paper, and me.

Wonder how bad the results will be…

About Kevin Sonney

Kevin Sonney - who, contrary to popular opinion was NOT raised by wolves - grew up in central North Carolina. He fell into the technology field by accident in 1991, when he gave up the wild and crazy lifestyle of an on-air AM radio DJ to become a mundane technical support monkey. The technology industry has never really recovered from this. Kevin has worked for such names as IBM, Red Hat, webslingerZ, and Lulu Technologies (we won't mention the ones that didn't survive the experience). He currently works as a Linux Administrator for Apptio. In his spare time he rescues stray animals and plays video games with his two sons. His wife, we're sad to say, helps him get past the really hard bits. Kevin is still not very mundane, he just got better at hiding it.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Black Holes and Black Moods

  1. gukacayuga says:

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself (especially with the Scout part- that is a team effort and you can’t control the other volunteers)

  2. the_zeitzev says:

    The failure thing is natural. It will get easier, I suppose. Pen to paper is good.

  3. crescentfreshnj says:

    Writing your thoughts down can be good, but it can also make it harder to overcome them unless you actively challenge them. If you find yourself believing too much of it, try to look for cognitive errors. i don’t know you very well, but I find it hard to believe that you could really be so failed.

  4. alchemist says:

    It’s hard not to be – at this point, I need to talk to my ticket counsellor to see what we can do or I’m not gonna earn my beads.

  5. dr_scholl says:

    I think this can be a Very Good Thing. Might get at things that are nagging at you subconsciously and bring them forward a bit to deal with. Also a good way to spew the poison and get it out of your system.

  6. alchemist says:

    That’s why I want to get it out. Theyv’ve been nagging at me for months if not years, and it’s time to face them. Before they eat me alive and really do tear me to pieces – well, more pieces than I’m already in.

  7. alchemist says:

    Yeah. I have to get it out, and the current situation of putting a band-aid on it or just running/hiding from the issues don’t do me any good. And I think this is probably a better solution that several others I came up with to hack my psyche…

  8. susan_z says:

    Once you’ve done the initial outpouring, you might want to consider a regular practice of Morning Pages (three pages of pen to paper with no stopping or pausing, even if you’re writing “i don’t know what to write”). Morning pages can be phenomenal for clearing out the mental junk, and letting you know what’s kicking around in the back of your head. You have to know what’s actually there before you can do anything about it, and sometimes just putting those negative thoughts on paper can show you how hard you’re being on yourself.

    i find it helps to read the negative spews as if they were written by someone you love, and to be as compassionate and lovingly honest as you would if it were a friend going through a rought time.

    And hang in there. It will get better.

  9. defunct_world says:

    I have a hard time actually putting into words what I would like to say to you right now. I’ve never ben married and I’ve never had kids, but I have definitely felt like a failure because of my dealings with other people.

    I’m not a Christian and my views are much more in line with Buddhism, but I hope that this little insight will help. We give value to the things of this world… good or bad… and then we react to that value. But in reality, good is no better than bad as they are all simply experiences and lessons to be learned. Some may be easier than others, but they are both of value. Find the value rather than beating yourself up… and then move on.

    What I would like to convey to you is that every relationship we put ourselves into is a partnership and it is rare that they fall apart because of only one of those partners. You can not fully blame yourself. And the things you can blame yourself for should be taken as learning experience rather than a fatal flaw… for who among us has not failed? Do not fear, accept and repair.

    Wow… I sound like a cliche or a fortune cookie or something ;)

    But they became cliches for a reason…

  10. alchemist says:

    I have a hard time actually putting into words what I would like to say to you right now. I’ve never ben married and I’ve never had kids, but I have definitely felt like a failure because of my dealings with other people.

    Take your time, I’m not going anywhere. *grin*

  11. shaden says:

    sigh. been there. Much love to you.

  12. clubjuggler says:

    Good luck with everything….

  13. gukacayuga says:

    Antelope to Antelope.. don’t give up the ship. Keep your ticket items meaningful yet attainable and you’ll be ok (Ye Olde Kiss Rule).

Comments are closed.