Dear Universe : Facebook is not your only option

I am now a minority. I am one of the few people I know who actively avoids having a Facebook account. And I say “few” and not “only person I know” because Ursula is also Facebook-less, and so, at last check, is Jay Cuthrell.

We are all Facebook-free,

And I do mean free. I deleted my account last year, and I do not miss it. I do not miss the requests to join a vampire clan, or a mafia family, or to plant peas with you[1], or invitations to play “what does my birthday say about the size of my cock?”

I really don’t miss having to re-secure my account privacy settings after every single site update.

Every. Single. Site. Update.

And I also agree with whoever said “Every time I see facebook.com/____ on a company’s advertising, I mentally translate it to AOL Keyword: ____.”[2]

But

And it’s a pretty big but

I am missing out on events. Why? Everyone – and I mean EVERYONE – seems to have forgotten that Facebook is NOT the only place to announce their events online. The Clockwork Ball happens in Pittsboro about once a quarter. Found out about them the day after, because all the event notices are on Facebook. A friend is getting married. I’m exceptionally happy for her, but I only found out by running into her at a party (one, I might add, NOT on Facebook).

Club nights? Facebook
Concerts? Facebook
Parties? Facebook
Baptisms? Facebook
Divorces? Facebook
Bris-es? Facebook
Funerals and Wakes? OK, not yet. But sooner or later….

People claim they cannot find me online. Really? I am not hard to find.

If you google me, the first 5 results are me[3].
My email hasn’t changed in over a decade. A DECADE PEOPLE.
I’ve had sonney.com (and DarkCanvas) since 1999-ish. Yes, actively maintained.

Yet people keep saying to me “I can’t find you online!”

Because they don’t see me on Facebook.

Because, it seems, if you are not on Facebook, you don’t exist.

So, Mr. Zuckerburg[4], you may have won. You are wearing me down with peer pressure. I’m tired of missing out on local events, friends’ parties, and even family updates because you’ve convinced people that Facebook is the be-all-end-all internet application. You have, Mr Zuckerburg[4], convinced people that Facebook *IS* the internet, and the internet is Facebook.

Fuck you, Mark Zuckerburg[4]. Fuck you with an elephant sized beetle cock.

I’m going to have to cave and re-join Facebook. Not yet, mind you, because I’m going to fight it as long as I can. But I’m pretty sure it’s going to happen.

And I’m really, really not happy about that.

[1] OK, I realize that 40000 housewives spending 40hrs/week on Farmville makes them into hardcore gamers to put my old WoW Guild to SHAME, but still, really? REALLY?
[2] Or “See our web page at geocities.com/____”
[3] And the other Kevin Sonney is number 6. Then me again.
[4] You Douchenozzle[5].
[5] I really, really, REALLY don’t like Mark Zuckerburg. Every time I hear him talk, every time I hear him telling me how no, it’s really OK, that whole privacy thing is something I need to get over, I want to hit him.

About Kevin Sonney

Kevin Sonney - who, contrary to popular opinion was NOT raised by wolves - grew up in central North Carolina. He fell into the technology field by accident in 1991, when he gave up the wild and crazy lifestyle of an on-air AM radio DJ to become a mundane technical support monkey. The technology industry has never really recovered from this. Kevin has worked for such names as IBM, Red Hat, webslingerZ, and Lulu Technologies (we won't mention the ones that didn't survive the experience). He currently works as a Linux Administrator for Apptio. In his spare time he rescues stray animals and plays video games with his two sons. His wife, we're sad to say, helps him get past the really hard bits. Kevin is still not very mundane, he just got better at hiding it.
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