So if you’ve read Ursula’s Con Report, you are aware we had an adventure Friday night at WTHCon.
Before we get to that, though, I’d like to say the Con itself was a BLAST. It’s always good to see the fans and the other guests. The WTHCon staff was, as always, fantastic. The Geek Auction was awesome, even if Jennie Breeden and I required liquor to get through some of the more interesting bits (Ursula needed it too, but she was the driver…). I could go into detail over the rest of the con, but I’m thinking y’all only want to hear about one thing :
Friday night, there was lobster and strippers.
It went down like this. A few months back, Ursula mentioned that she’d never been to a strip club. Of course, this had to be rectified – for Science! Of course, finding a time and the right company would be important. Otter volunteered to be a part of this – for Science! – and then roped Jennie into coming along.
After setup on Friday, we headed to dinner at Red Lobster. It was here that I briefed them :
“OK, the rules are simple :
1) Drink before we get there so we’re not overpaying for drinks.
2) No making the strippers cry – Otter, this means you” [1]
3) No doing anything that makes the bouncers hurt *ME*” [2]
Knowing now the rules, well fed, it was time for the ladies to get a little liquid courage going[3], and off we went.
On the way in, we were informed that at least one of us would need to purchase a membership. “Otter, you live here…” I said, to three ladies looking pointedly at me. Oooo-kay. So I’ve got a membership at Christy’s Cabaret (A.K.A. The “Taj MaTitty”) of Greensboro now. And in we go.
“Have a good time” says the bouncer, holding the door. And then he points at Otter “But you, I’m watching you, you look like TROUBLE.” “Wha? Me?…”
Christy’s is pretty typical for strip clubs, although they could do a better job on the stage lighting[4]. I did have to tell the ladies not to gawk at the guys getting lap dances in the VIP area. That’s just not polite. And, of course, if you stare at the girl in the cage, tip her! Even from a distance. Turning and pointing means you tip extra!
Most of the rest, Ursula covered. I’d like to highlight something she missed though. See, Ursula had to pee. It happens. And so, off to the ladies room she goes. And then returns a little bit later.
“My GOD, it’s HORRIBLE. The tiles are falling off. Only one of the stalls has a working door, and there’s a toilet seat in the corner!”
This isn’t unexpected, really. I mean, it’s a place where men go to look at naked women. The bathrooms are bound to be a bit rough. A bit later, Otter headed to the Women’s room (suitably warned) and I headed to the Men’s. I got back with my report first.
“Well, you take care of your business, and then a very nice older man turns on the water for you, squirts the soap in your hands for you, hands you the towels, and holds the trash can for you. He also has cologne and mouthwash. Oh! And there’s candy.”
“Candy?!?” exclaims Ursula, just before she gave me the finger and spat out a venomous “FUCK YOU!”
Otter came back. I waxed poetic once again about the Men’s room. And in the most matter of fact tone I’ve ever heard from her, she replied :
“I just watched a hooker change”
I think she won.
Now, the one drawback to taking three women to a strip club is this – it makes any man with them into Stripper Kryptonite. Seriously, it was like I didn’t exist. For their special dollar dances[5], I got plenty of singles, set them on the table (chum in the water, as it were), and…NOTHING. No, not quite. Otter switched seats with Ursula – so as not to be in the line of traffic. So here we are, trying to flag down a dancer to no avail, and suddenly Otter gets swung around and a very enthusiastic black girl starts dancing for her. Karma. The ONE PERSON in the group who actively tried to avoid boobs gets a face full of breasts.
I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in months.
Guys, take women to strip clubs. It’s hella more fun than going with the guys. Just be aware you’ll be buying them dances, and probably will have to work hard to get them for yourself.
[1] “HEY! I’ve hardly ever made someone cry!”
“What about the time you…”
“I didn’t make him cry.”
“He totally went home and bawled…”
[2] On the drive up, I outlined these to Ursula. “Oh come on, what could we possibly do…oh, wait, yeah, I have a scenario….”
[3] Bailey’s for the most part
[4] Seriously, the stage lighting SUCKED. could hardly see what was going on up there.
[5] $1 plus tip for 30 seconds of lapdance. Song changes, get a new stripper for another dollar and another 30 seconds.
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